Confessions of a Drama Junkie

I am an a spiritual person, I wouldn't say religous because religious sounds too close to the word follower.  I don't want to follow a religion, I want to follow God.  Whoever He/She is, I want to follow them, and not the priests and popes that carry their message.  Don't get me wrong, I love the pope, and do think he is the mouth of God, but he is still, none the less, mortal.  I fear mortal men, men in general, so perhaps that's why I chose to stay away from a male Dominated society, known as the Catholic Church.  My fear in men, and my distrust of them (I have never identified with the male sex) also led me to be an avid follower to Mary.  Perhaps I have always seen her as my God in female form.  I know, Mary is simply the vessle in which God's Son came to be, but she is more to me than that.  In my defense, as a follower of Mary, I do not pray TO her, I have instead, asked her to help me in life as I would my own mother.  I have asked for her divine help, as I see her with power.  Still, when I pray to glorify God and all that is, I do pray to Him, and not to Mary.  Just trying to make that clear.  The last thing I care to hear is that I am worshipping Mary above God.

I do, however have a hard time following Jesus and praying to Him.  I guess, it is that fear of men again.  I fear Him as a judge, even though He is said to not have done so.  Still, Jesus on the cross is above my door, and has been since I was a child.  I don't remember how I found the crucifix, but I do know it has always been above the door to my bedroom, dorm, and now, is above the door into my apartment.  I do believe it will keep the evil out of my home.  Some may think this supersicious, but it works for me. 

Along with depictions of Mary and Jesus, I have buddahs.  Yep, I also believe there is something to learn from Hinduism.  I've spent my life mixing cultures and beliefs into one.  Somehow, the complexity of it was simpler to me.  I mean, it didn't take long before I saw that almost every religion out there had the same message.  The old fashioned, Golden Rule.  I see God in Mary, Jesus, Buddahs, even in a ring I have of a minor Hindu god.  We cannot see him to know what he looks like, or if He even has form to begin with, so why not give him all the forms in which bring peace of mind?  That just always made sense to me. 

People tell me often how seeing God, as the Christians describe him, in a Hindu god is a sin.  I just shrug my shoulders.  After all, how do we really know what is sin and what isn't?  Because a group  of Men wrote down what the Holy Spirit told them to?  How many Men claim they've had Divine Right to rule the world and people believed them until we knew better.  Men.  Men to me are evil and corrupt, as well as Women.  I find that we each just have to find God in whatever way seems fit for us.  Perhaps he is in the trees for some, and others he is in the cross. 

Find God, in your own way and try not to judge people who've found Him in another.

I am one of the many people in the world who pretends they've gotten over their past, only to be lying all the while.  I haven't gotten over most of it, honestly.  One of those past stories I haven't been able to recover, fully, from is my past relationships.  Now, I know this sounds so cliche and we're all thinking this sounds like, yet another classic chick flick story plot.  Well, readers, there's a reason those are good stories, they're usually true.  They strike a nerve, a heart breaking and all too honest nerve. 

Before I allowed myself to completely fall in love with Ryan, I was heavily damaged by a string of relationships.  One of them left me going into a depression where I had to be hospitalized at the age of 16.  I had literally lost the will to live.  Please note, I was a VERY emotional teenager.  I mean, I felt like what would normally make someone hurt made me feel like the world was crashing all around me and there was no way I'd ever survive.  Everything felt ten times that of what I noticed other people felt.  Perhaps they were just more level-headed than I was, or I was just stuck in my own pain and couldn't see beyond that. 

So, I learned quick that people you love and trust are not the people who feel the same.  Not always.  I learned that from Mike mostly.  My biological father.  I learned that I could try all I want to have a healthy relationship with him and that would only result in being disappointed by his lack of interest.  Yep, we're going there.  "Daddy didn't love me."  Still, I know this to be the start of it all.  I learned to reach out to men who would never return that same amount of devotion.  So in comes a few, no, many boys who would end up breaking my heart, and all I could do was sit there and beg them to keep loving me. 

So, with that being said.  I had a few very unhealthy relationships after I turned 15.  I dated, or loved, boys who had only 1 thing on their mind.  That was fine, I thought.  Though I didn't lose my virginity till I was 17, I was willing to go as far as I could at the time just for those few moments where I was the only thing that mattered to those guys.  After all, to me, being the most important thing in their world for a few minutes was worth every bit of dignity and self-respect I had.  I wanted someone to love me.  Especially the guys who didn't. 

I see now why one of my most painful relationships ended.  Beyond the reasons I would later learn.  With this guy, "D," I was 100% devoted to him.  Emotionally.  He was the reason I was born.  I was only created to worship him and to be in complete awe of his every move.  I realize now how I was only there to please him and beg, almost torture him, into loving me back the way I loved him.  How unfair I was, and how unfair the whole thing was.  It left me, in the end, single.  Wonderful.  I dropped out of college, went on to sleeping with as many guys as I could in as little a time I could.  All the while, again lying to myself that they all secretly loved me, but couldn't accept it.  I made it a point to be with men who were straight as they came, besides when I could seduce them.  After all, that made me feel even more special, and I had no care of the emotional consequences.  I picked up drugs I would never admit to using, not even to the closest of friends.  I hit the ground hard, readers. 

All the while, there was this guy involved who I never had to ask to love me.  In fact, he was the one guy I didn't want to love me.  I mean, he was the opposite of what I wanted.  I thought love was something completely different than what it was.  I didn't know love could be mutual that way!  Someone who loved me no matter what, and would die for me without me asking?  That was something for Lifetime, not real life!  Boy was I wrong! 

I see now my mistakes.  Still, there's the pain from before.  With Ryan, or men in general, I don't open up.  I was proven all too many times that men are a source of pain.  I feel bad for Ryan, and the other men in my life who are there only for good, because I have a hell of a time telling them anything about what's on the inside.  So afraid that once I do, they'll leave like all the rest.  I know how lucky I am with Ryan.  We may have some serious problems, but those are all a series of troubles any couple will face, and only the strong will survive.  We are surviving, and I'm proud to hold his hand and look towards what may become our love story.  He is the one guy who loves me without me asking him.  He loved me all along. 

Life is hard for those of us in Michigan right now.  I mean, it's not like in Africa where we're walking miles a day for clean water, or anything, but it's what we would consider "less than expected."  Of course then I must raise the question, what is it we expected by allowing a governor with no political history to be the person who makes all the decisions for us?  Were we really thinking it would turn out ok, he's a republican.  Ok, now I say this, we all know what republicans want... more money for big businesses and tighter religious laws.  Yes, there's much more to them than that, but when did we last know of a Republican politician who was concerned with the people who actually work for a living?  Those of us who actually feel aches at the end of the day for a job not able to even pay for the medical we need to relieve those aches.  Their concern is for the most part, the businesses that pay their bills.  Snyder, Michigan's current governor, has stated he's also taking pay cuts.  He allowed himself to only be payed $1 for his annual salary.  I at first found this great.  I mean, he was willing to do this for us?  Cool!  Not so much now.  After all, he's got lots of money he can dive into, this "cut" was really just him getting people, like myself, to feel like he could relate to us.  Not really the case. 

Then I also must bring up, what happened to all the "change" we were supposed to see with Obama?  I remember loving him because he was bringing us into a new time for this country, and I hate to be hard on him, but what has he done beyond the health care bill?  With that being said, how am I supposed to afford that when my university's not getting funded the way it was by the state because Snyder's cutting back on those?  So my tuition might go up, wonderful.  It's hard enough as it is to pay for college.  I hear all these lovely stories about how "back in the day" you could get a factory job straight out of high school and be set for life.  Medical, dental, the works, it was a good job!  Now, those are one of the hardest jobs to find.  You need college to go anywhere in this country and that's becoming harder to achieve as well.  How long will it be before I am just another person with 2 or more part time jobs just to pay the bills and have clothes on my back? 

Look at where our world is heading, and by world I mean our state, country, and yes, the world.  We're not exactly on a rise here.  Why aren't We, the People, doing much about it besides complaining?  I mean, come on, join me, get a sign, and write on it, stand with me in Lansing, send letters.  We are the voice and the people who make the decisions in this country and yet we're allowing people like Snyder to do it for us.  When did this happen?  Would our Founding Fathers really be proud of our lack of participation in government?  We have a voice and all I hear from you is silence.  Stand up, America.  Times need to change and the people we're voting to do it are just letting us down.  Take back our government!

Looking at this face I just feel an overwhelming sense of anger.  I know, anger is a normal feeling I'm supposed to have, but not this kind.  I feel angry at God.  I want him to explain to me why this happening to us, my family.  I know people get cancer.  It happens everyday and you hear about it on the news, read it in books, and hear of friends having loved ones with it.  That's all I knew of cancer before this all happened.  It was someone else's problem.  So few people have died in my family of cancer that I actually thought we just had really good genes.  The only disease besides alcoholism that could kill us was diabetes.  Then all the sudden Desi's eye couldn't open all the way.  That's how it started, just one little thing like his eye not moving.  Then the series of events happened and brought us to the conclusion, Desi would die from cancer, and there's nothing we could do but try and hope.  Pray, more than hope, is what my family ended up doing.

It's amazing how many people who aren't religious suddenly turn to it when something this terrible happens.  I know I have always been religious, but a closet religious kinda person, but that was me.  My grandparents however were definitely not.  ((Side story, they are also Desi's grandparents and adopted him when he was a baby because his mother couldn't be a fit parent))  I honestly thought my grandma would burn if she stepped foot in a church and now I hear she's been there twice.  Upon her telling me they went to church, I had to keep myself from crying.  This was the first sign to me that they all believed this wouldn't go away without divine intervention.  It's almost like they kind of acknowledged this was Desi's last few years, and I hadn't taken it seriously when the doctor told them for some reason.  I guess I kept telling myself doctors are always without hope, but hearing my grandparents were accepting what he said, just hit me pretty hard. 

There lies my problem, readers.  I am upset because I know death.  I know it well.  Though I haven't had the pain of losing someone I love as close to me as a parent or grandparent, so forth; I've seen what it does to people.  Since I was a teenager it seemed like my family decided to start dropping like flies.  With that being said, I saw as people's entire lives changed.  Sons burying their fathers, wives left without a husband, sisters crying out for their brother, mothers holding back from crying out loud as her son was laying in front of her in a casket.  I keep getting mad, because death is easy for the dead.  It's those alive who have to feel that pain until they themselves die.  It's terrible.  I know Desi's death is going to completely destroy my grandpa's life for a while, if not until his death.  He and Desi are so close, it's a bond unlike anything I've seen my grandpa have before.  A normally cold old man is completely devoted to that boy and would give anything in this world to make him happy.  It's already started to kill my grandpa.  His face is colder, he is just waiting for the sand in the hourglass to run out.  He's trying, trying hard, but I honestly think they all understand we can only hope for a little more time.  A brain tumor isn't just going to go away.  Sure, people are blessed all the time in the news, but there's a reason those people made it in the paper.  It doesn't happen often, does it?

I am angry with God.  I am angry he gave my grandpa the best little buddy in the world and now he's going to take him away slowly.  Watching as the people I love suffer and plea for a miracle, it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart.  I can't say it enough.  I am angry, I am angry with God.  My family did a lot of bad things, I know that.  They weren't known for being good people, they were known for much different.  Still, is this really what they deserve? 

My mother and I had a talk about this, very brief, because I avoid too much emotional topics, and she said maybe Desi was here to change them.  Let them see there's a God, let them see and respect each other more.  They may have forgotten to treasure life and all that's in it.  Maybe Desi is here to remind them.  Maybe Desi is God's messenger. 

I like how everyone talks about how beautiful love is in the movies, no one tells you the truth.  No one tells you how even though you want to live happily ever after with a person, there really is going to be some time you need them to just back off and get a life.  No one says that even though you want only them for the rest of forever, that you'll also sometimes wonder if you really made the right choice.  They don't mention that between the laughs and the lovely moments, you'll also be screaming at each other and that you will show your true colors to this person; the good and the bad. 

Sometimes I wonder, readers, is this really the right choice for me?  Is this really what I want?  I mean, I met him at 16, and we've been dating since then.  Sure I had another love between the time and I didn't commit to Ryan alone for a while.  Maybe that's just it, something's wrong with that, isn't it?  Why was I never really willing to make him permanent?  I always said it was because I was just scared of the feeling like I was trapped.  Blame it on the Army, but I just can't stick with something.  We moved too much, there was constant change.  I never really had to invest in anything.  Somewhere between me knowing I couldn't do this and then me wanting to have the "forever after" I chose to let my guard down and commit to a life with hm in this apartment, but even that's come into questioning.  I'm only almost 21 and I wonder if my youth should really be spent in something like this.  Marital spats, or whatever you'd call them at this stage, seem to be too much for me to handle.  I mean, come one, I'm only 20!  I should be going out every weekend with friends, making bad choices, making right ones, furthering my education, living a life that's soley about myself.  There it is, readers, I just want to only have to care for myself and at this age, I don't think that's really an issue.  I deserve to be selfish right now! 

The laughs and moments of bliss are becoming more rare and I see us almost becoming more like roommates than we are a couple.  The problem in this is, I do love him.  If I could only lose that bit of insanity, perhaps I could judge things for what they are instead.  As Shakespeare himself said, "the sun itself sees not till heaven clears."  My vision is fogged by love and I question it far too often these days. 

Forgive me, readers.  Forgive me for making the mistake of rushing into things, or perhaps for questioning what is right.  I don't know whether or not I want to fight for this anymore, and I know even he is growing tired.  I ask only for one thing from God, clarity.  We will see where I am in another few months when this lease is up, and I will have to see what choice I make this time. 

Ever had a simple phrase from a song inspire you enough to bring back something from your past, such as an old talent?  That's me right now, plus a mouthful of cornbread, finally ready to take up my blog again!  I know I'm a terrible blogger, I go months without writing.  I remember my therapist saying I needed things like this (short-term goals) but all I could ever think of in his office was how short I wanted the session to be.  My short-term goal was to act sane enough so he didn't think I was crazy, which I realize I kind of am.  That's what I've been doing, readers, since the last time I was on here, I have come to the conclusion, we're all crazy.  We're all nuts but no one wants to admit it, so we do everything we can to blend in and be normal, putting on our poker faces every morning (song change).  It's lead me to accept my own lack of sanity and embrace it.  Time to do things most would consider off the wall, but are just dying to do themselves.  I really think our lives are far too short to always be constraining ourselves.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to support people hurting one another kinda crazy, just wearing your clothes backwards kinda crazy.  Kindergarten crazy. 

Any way, enough about all the crazy talk, let's move along to the catch-up portion of this blog.  I have been living in Ypsilanti for about half a year now, and loving everything but the neighborhood we picked.  I mean, we picked a questionable one and we just didn't know how boring it would be!  Everything fun is on the opposite side of EMU (where I am now attending school).  So, just like me, I'm packing my bags already and doing my best to get us out of here ASAP.  I love moving somewhere new, and this is a chance to get us to a more youthful neighborhood, one where I can really feel like I belong.  I got a job, I'm a cashier at Hillers Market, a local grocery store (Happily Michigan Owned!)  That's something to rant about another time, though.  We've adopted 2 conure parrots, Bonnie and Clyde.  They are the most demanding birds I've ever dealt with, the world is meant to revolve around them and there's no excuse if it doesn't.  Also living with us these days is my lovely Baby Girl, the cat.  She is definitely MINE, I love everything about her!

Readers, I am tired of always having to censor my thoughts and feelings to the world.  When I was a younger, and a more avid writer, I would be horrified at how proper I have become these days!  My job has made me think the customer is #1, and to a degree that is very true, but why am I never #1?  I began to realize I wasn't even #1 to myself and so I began making a change.  YOU will hear me, whoever you are, you will know how I am feeling and I will not be hushed.  Poor Ryan's had to deal with me becoming a little more selfish than ever, but I noticed I used to be way too wiling to give all of myself up to people just so they would like me.  I am in disbelief of the time I've wasted on other people's happiness above my own in my short 20 years (ALMOST 21!) of life so far.  MY life is about me isn't it?  Why do I feel like mine's about what I want to be, instead of loving who I am?  To add, why do I go so far to please others and hardly myself?  A special guy I once knew would never have done anything if it didn't make him happy, and though I hated it at the time, I kind of get it now and his words have been in my head these days.  "Why, if it's not doing anything for me?"  I don't have to be so selfless, and it's time the world knows it, right?  You should do the same thing, readers, TREAT YOURSELF!  INDULGE, EXPLORE, COME OUT OF HIDING, DO IT ALL NOW.  To make use of an over-used phrase, tomorrow's never guaranteed.