Fools Like me
I am one of the many people in the world who pretends they've gotten over their past, only to be lying all the while. I haven't gotten over most of it, honestly. One of those past stories I haven't been able to recover, fully, from is my past relationships. Now, I know this sounds so cliche and we're all thinking this sounds like, yet another classic chick flick story plot. Well, readers, there's a reason those are good stories, they're usually true. They strike a nerve, a heart breaking and all too honest nerve.
Before I allowed myself to completely fall in love with Ryan, I was heavily damaged by a string of relationships. One of them left me going into a depression where I had to be hospitalized at the age of 16. I had literally lost the will to live. Please note, I was a VERY emotional teenager. I mean, I felt like what would normally make someone hurt made me feel like the world was crashing all around me and there was no way I'd ever survive. Everything felt ten times that of what I noticed other people felt. Perhaps they were just more level-headed than I was, or I was just stuck in my own pain and couldn't see beyond that.
So, I learned quick that people you love and trust are not the people who feel the same. Not always. I learned that from Mike mostly. My biological father. I learned that I could try all I want to have a healthy relationship with him and that would only result in being disappointed by his lack of interest. Yep, we're going there. "Daddy didn't love me." Still, I know this to be the start of it all. I learned to reach out to men who would never return that same amount of devotion. So in comes a few, no, many boys who would end up breaking my heart, and all I could do was sit there and beg them to keep loving me.
So, with that being said. I had a few very unhealthy relationships after I turned 15. I dated, or loved, boys who had only 1 thing on their mind. That was fine, I thought. Though I didn't lose my virginity till I was 17, I was willing to go as far as I could at the time just for those few moments where I was the only thing that mattered to those guys. After all, to me, being the most important thing in their world for a few minutes was worth every bit of dignity and self-respect I had. I wanted someone to love me. Especially the guys who didn't.
I see now why one of my most painful relationships ended. Beyond the reasons I would later learn. With this guy, "D," I was 100% devoted to him. Emotionally. He was the reason I was born. I was only created to worship him and to be in complete awe of his every move. I realize now how I was only there to please him and beg, almost torture him, into loving me back the way I loved him. How unfair I was, and how unfair the whole thing was. It left me, in the end, single. Wonderful. I dropped out of college, went on to sleeping with as many guys as I could in as little a time I could. All the while, again lying to myself that they all secretly loved me, but couldn't accept it. I made it a point to be with men who were straight as they came, besides when I could seduce them. After all, that made me feel even more special, and I had no care of the emotional consequences. I picked up drugs I would never admit to using, not even to the closest of friends. I hit the ground hard, readers.
All the while, there was this guy involved who I never had to ask to love me. In fact, he was the one guy I didn't want to love me. I mean, he was the opposite of what I wanted. I thought love was something completely different than what it was. I didn't know love could be mutual that way! Someone who loved me no matter what, and would die for me without me asking? That was something for Lifetime, not real life! Boy was I wrong!
I see now my mistakes. Still, there's the pain from before. With Ryan, or men in general, I don't open up. I was proven all too many times that men are a source of pain. I feel bad for Ryan, and the other men in my life who are there only for good, because I have a hell of a time telling them anything about what's on the inside. So afraid that once I do, they'll leave like all the rest. I know how lucky I am with Ryan. We may have some serious problems, but those are all a series of troubles any couple will face, and only the strong will survive. We are surviving, and I'm proud to hold his hand and look towards what may become our love story. He is the one guy who loves me without me asking him. He loved me all along.
Before I allowed myself to completely fall in love with Ryan, I was heavily damaged by a string of relationships. One of them left me going into a depression where I had to be hospitalized at the age of 16. I had literally lost the will to live. Please note, I was a VERY emotional teenager. I mean, I felt like what would normally make someone hurt made me feel like the world was crashing all around me and there was no way I'd ever survive. Everything felt ten times that of what I noticed other people felt. Perhaps they were just more level-headed than I was, or I was just stuck in my own pain and couldn't see beyond that.
So, I learned quick that people you love and trust are not the people who feel the same. Not always. I learned that from Mike mostly. My biological father. I learned that I could try all I want to have a healthy relationship with him and that would only result in being disappointed by his lack of interest. Yep, we're going there. "Daddy didn't love me." Still, I know this to be the start of it all. I learned to reach out to men who would never return that same amount of devotion. So in comes a few, no, many boys who would end up breaking my heart, and all I could do was sit there and beg them to keep loving me.
So, with that being said. I had a few very unhealthy relationships after I turned 15. I dated, or loved, boys who had only 1 thing on their mind. That was fine, I thought. Though I didn't lose my virginity till I was 17, I was willing to go as far as I could at the time just for those few moments where I was the only thing that mattered to those guys. After all, to me, being the most important thing in their world for a few minutes was worth every bit of dignity and self-respect I had. I wanted someone to love me. Especially the guys who didn't.
I see now why one of my most painful relationships ended. Beyond the reasons I would later learn. With this guy, "D," I was 100% devoted to him. Emotionally. He was the reason I was born. I was only created to worship him and to be in complete awe of his every move. I realize now how I was only there to please him and beg, almost torture him, into loving me back the way I loved him. How unfair I was, and how unfair the whole thing was. It left me, in the end, single. Wonderful. I dropped out of college, went on to sleeping with as many guys as I could in as little a time I could. All the while, again lying to myself that they all secretly loved me, but couldn't accept it. I made it a point to be with men who were straight as they came, besides when I could seduce them. After all, that made me feel even more special, and I had no care of the emotional consequences. I picked up drugs I would never admit to using, not even to the closest of friends. I hit the ground hard, readers.
All the while, there was this guy involved who I never had to ask to love me. In fact, he was the one guy I didn't want to love me. I mean, he was the opposite of what I wanted. I thought love was something completely different than what it was. I didn't know love could be mutual that way! Someone who loved me no matter what, and would die for me without me asking? That was something for Lifetime, not real life! Boy was I wrong!
I see now my mistakes. Still, there's the pain from before. With Ryan, or men in general, I don't open up. I was proven all too many times that men are a source of pain. I feel bad for Ryan, and the other men in my life who are there only for good, because I have a hell of a time telling them anything about what's on the inside. So afraid that once I do, they'll leave like all the rest. I know how lucky I am with Ryan. We may have some serious problems, but those are all a series of troubles any couple will face, and only the strong will survive. We are surviving, and I'm proud to hold his hand and look towards what may become our love story. He is the one guy who loves me without me asking him. He loved me all along.
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