Confessions of a Drama Junkie

Looking at this face I just feel an overwhelming sense of anger.  I know, anger is a normal feeling I'm supposed to have, but not this kind.  I feel angry at God.  I want him to explain to me why this happening to us, my family.  I know people get cancer.  It happens everyday and you hear about it on the news, read it in books, and hear of friends having loved ones with it.  That's all I knew of cancer before this all happened.  It was someone else's problem.  So few people have died in my family of cancer that I actually thought we just had really good genes.  The only disease besides alcoholism that could kill us was diabetes.  Then all the sudden Desi's eye couldn't open all the way.  That's how it started, just one little thing like his eye not moving.  Then the series of events happened and brought us to the conclusion, Desi would die from cancer, and there's nothing we could do but try and hope.  Pray, more than hope, is what my family ended up doing.

It's amazing how many people who aren't religious suddenly turn to it when something this terrible happens.  I know I have always been religious, but a closet religious kinda person, but that was me.  My grandparents however were definitely not.  ((Side story, they are also Desi's grandparents and adopted him when he was a baby because his mother couldn't be a fit parent))  I honestly thought my grandma would burn if she stepped foot in a church and now I hear she's been there twice.  Upon her telling me they went to church, I had to keep myself from crying.  This was the first sign to me that they all believed this wouldn't go away without divine intervention.  It's almost like they kind of acknowledged this was Desi's last few years, and I hadn't taken it seriously when the doctor told them for some reason.  I guess I kept telling myself doctors are always without hope, but hearing my grandparents were accepting what he said, just hit me pretty hard. 

There lies my problem, readers.  I am upset because I know death.  I know it well.  Though I haven't had the pain of losing someone I love as close to me as a parent or grandparent, so forth; I've seen what it does to people.  Since I was a teenager it seemed like my family decided to start dropping like flies.  With that being said, I saw as people's entire lives changed.  Sons burying their fathers, wives left without a husband, sisters crying out for their brother, mothers holding back from crying out loud as her son was laying in front of her in a casket.  I keep getting mad, because death is easy for the dead.  It's those alive who have to feel that pain until they themselves die.  It's terrible.  I know Desi's death is going to completely destroy my grandpa's life for a while, if not until his death.  He and Desi are so close, it's a bond unlike anything I've seen my grandpa have before.  A normally cold old man is completely devoted to that boy and would give anything in this world to make him happy.  It's already started to kill my grandpa.  His face is colder, he is just waiting for the sand in the hourglass to run out.  He's trying, trying hard, but I honestly think they all understand we can only hope for a little more time.  A brain tumor isn't just going to go away.  Sure, people are blessed all the time in the news, but there's a reason those people made it in the paper.  It doesn't happen often, does it?

I am angry with God.  I am angry he gave my grandpa the best little buddy in the world and now he's going to take him away slowly.  Watching as the people I love suffer and plea for a miracle, it breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart.  It breaks my heart.  I can't say it enough.  I am angry, I am angry with God.  My family did a lot of bad things, I know that.  They weren't known for being good people, they were known for much different.  Still, is this really what they deserve? 

My mother and I had a talk about this, very brief, because I avoid too much emotional topics, and she said maybe Desi was here to change them.  Let them see there's a God, let them see and respect each other more.  They may have forgotten to treasure life and all that's in it.  Maybe Desi is here to remind them.  Maybe Desi is God's messenger.