Confessions of a Drama Junkie

I like how everyone talks about how beautiful love is in the movies, no one tells you the truth.  No one tells you how even though you want to live happily ever after with a person, there really is going to be some time you need them to just back off and get a life.  No one says that even though you want only them for the rest of forever, that you'll also sometimes wonder if you really made the right choice.  They don't mention that between the laughs and the lovely moments, you'll also be screaming at each other and that you will show your true colors to this person; the good and the bad. 

Sometimes I wonder, readers, is this really the right choice for me?  Is this really what I want?  I mean, I met him at 16, and we've been dating since then.  Sure I had another love between the time and I didn't commit to Ryan alone for a while.  Maybe that's just it, something's wrong with that, isn't it?  Why was I never really willing to make him permanent?  I always said it was because I was just scared of the feeling like I was trapped.  Blame it on the Army, but I just can't stick with something.  We moved too much, there was constant change.  I never really had to invest in anything.  Somewhere between me knowing I couldn't do this and then me wanting to have the "forever after" I chose to let my guard down and commit to a life with hm in this apartment, but even that's come into questioning.  I'm only almost 21 and I wonder if my youth should really be spent in something like this.  Marital spats, or whatever you'd call them at this stage, seem to be too much for me to handle.  I mean, come one, I'm only 20!  I should be going out every weekend with friends, making bad choices, making right ones, furthering my education, living a life that's soley about myself.  There it is, readers, I just want to only have to care for myself and at this age, I don't think that's really an issue.  I deserve to be selfish right now! 

The laughs and moments of bliss are becoming more rare and I see us almost becoming more like roommates than we are a couple.  The problem in this is, I do love him.  If I could only lose that bit of insanity, perhaps I could judge things for what they are instead.  As Shakespeare himself said, "the sun itself sees not till heaven clears."  My vision is fogged by love and I question it far too often these days. 

Forgive me, readers.  Forgive me for making the mistake of rushing into things, or perhaps for questioning what is right.  I don't know whether or not I want to fight for this anymore, and I know even he is growing tired.  I ask only for one thing from God, clarity.  We will see where I am in another few months when this lease is up, and I will have to see what choice I make this time. 

Ever had a simple phrase from a song inspire you enough to bring back something from your past, such as an old talent?  That's me right now, plus a mouthful of cornbread, finally ready to take up my blog again!  I know I'm a terrible blogger, I go months without writing.  I remember my therapist saying I needed things like this (short-term goals) but all I could ever think of in his office was how short I wanted the session to be.  My short-term goal was to act sane enough so he didn't think I was crazy, which I realize I kind of am.  That's what I've been doing, readers, since the last time I was on here, I have come to the conclusion, we're all crazy.  We're all nuts but no one wants to admit it, so we do everything we can to blend in and be normal, putting on our poker faces every morning (song change).  It's lead me to accept my own lack of sanity and embrace it.  Time to do things most would consider off the wall, but are just dying to do themselves.  I really think our lives are far too short to always be constraining ourselves.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to support people hurting one another kinda crazy, just wearing your clothes backwards kinda crazy.  Kindergarten crazy. 

Any way, enough about all the crazy talk, let's move along to the catch-up portion of this blog.  I have been living in Ypsilanti for about half a year now, and loving everything but the neighborhood we picked.  I mean, we picked a questionable one and we just didn't know how boring it would be!  Everything fun is on the opposite side of EMU (where I am now attending school).  So, just like me, I'm packing my bags already and doing my best to get us out of here ASAP.  I love moving somewhere new, and this is a chance to get us to a more youthful neighborhood, one where I can really feel like I belong.  I got a job, I'm a cashier at Hillers Market, a local grocery store (Happily Michigan Owned!)  That's something to rant about another time, though.  We've adopted 2 conure parrots, Bonnie and Clyde.  They are the most demanding birds I've ever dealt with, the world is meant to revolve around them and there's no excuse if it doesn't.  Also living with us these days is my lovely Baby Girl, the cat.  She is definitely MINE, I love everything about her!

Readers, I am tired of always having to censor my thoughts and feelings to the world.  When I was a younger, and a more avid writer, I would be horrified at how proper I have become these days!  My job has made me think the customer is #1, and to a degree that is very true, but why am I never #1?  I began to realize I wasn't even #1 to myself and so I began making a change.  YOU will hear me, whoever you are, you will know how I am feeling and I will not be hushed.  Poor Ryan's had to deal with me becoming a little more selfish than ever, but I noticed I used to be way too wiling to give all of myself up to people just so they would like me.  I am in disbelief of the time I've wasted on other people's happiness above my own in my short 20 years (ALMOST 21!) of life so far.  MY life is about me isn't it?  Why do I feel like mine's about what I want to be, instead of loving who I am?  To add, why do I go so far to please others and hardly myself?  A special guy I once knew would never have done anything if it didn't make him happy, and though I hated it at the time, I kind of get it now and his words have been in my head these days.  "Why, if it's not doing anything for me?"  I don't have to be so selfless, and it's time the world knows it, right?  You should do the same thing, readers, TREAT YOURSELF!  INDULGE, EXPLORE, COME OUT OF HIDING, DO IT ALL NOW.  To make use of an over-used phrase, tomorrow's never guaranteed.